


How to find love in a loveless place

by Magichemistry



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, Mommy Issues, Nightmares, Smut, Violence, alcohol use, angry hate sex, blood mention, fluffy soft sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-21 19:32:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13747770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magichemistry/pseuds/Magichemistry
Summary: As Snoke’s daughter all your life has been full of darkness and pain. But when Kylo and you are finally free of him, you’ll discover even in the darkest place there’s chance to find love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I considered to name this series “I fell in love with my boss’ daughter”. I didn’t gave Snoke any dialogues because he’s an old creepy man that no one wants to read about.

You’re (Y/N), Force dark user and Snoke’s daughter. Not one dares to mess with you, not even the Resistance scum, because they know they won’t survive. You’d say you’re about to fulfill your purpose on life, making your father proud but there’s him. Kylo Ren. Your biggest obstacle.

You’re proud to have left in Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer, a broken sternum, a sprain wrist, a bloody nose, a broken tooth and a lightsaber burn in his right groin. But you’re ashamed that in return, he has left in you a broken elbow, 7 stitches on your left side, a fissured rib and a split lip.

It’s always been like this. A constant stretching and loosening between the two, always fighting, always imposing one on the other. You still remember the day when you entered Snoke’s chambers and there was a young boy with dark hair and scared eyes. Snoke explained you this boy has the Force like you and he’ll start training with you. But do not be fooled, he and you were not allies, on the contrary, one day you would fight to death for absolute power. And to this day is what you have done.

You’re both covered in sweat, swinging hits against each other with your lightsabers. It’s been an hour and there’s still no winner of this duel.

“Is Daddy’s girl already tired?” Kylo’s punches are relentless, as are his teasing. He always knows where to hurt you the most.

It’s not that you’re tired. You’re more than that. You’re exhausted. There are days like this where you wake up yearning for something you’ve never had: love. What will it feel like to trust someone? A caress, a kiss? A smile that is only for you? But Snoke’s daughter has never known anything of that. Despite having spent all your life with your father you can say that you have never had a relationship of love with him. Pain, darkness, beatings, shame, only that you have had since childhood.

“Is little Kyle getting clumsy?” Anyone can see that there is nothing small in Kylo but you rejoice yourself everytime you see his face when you say “little Kyle”.

You take a turn, ready to counterattack but in the middle of it you feel a sharp pain along your back. Fuck, Kylo just gave you back the burn you did to him.

You wobble, using all your strength to keep from falling. You have failed. You were too slow. Too weak. Suddenly you’re that little girl again, disappointed that Snoke won’t love you because you’re not good enough.

Bent by the pain, you look at Kylo out of the corner of your eye and see something on his face that makes you even more vulnerable than the blow: worry. You run away from the training room, not wanting to deal with him anymore. Not today.

* * *

 

You take refuge in your quarters,  licking your wounds alone as usual. You knew you were distracted today but not to the point where Kylo could hurt you. You hear a gentle knock at the door. Please do not let  be an officer to tell you that Snoke wants to see you.

“What are you doing here?!” you exclaim with the usual annoying tone of voice you use when you see Kylo.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay” Kylo replies shyly. He’s carrying a first aid kit.

“Since when do you care?” you spit to him. This new Kylo you’re not sure you like him. You’re used to rude merciless Kylo.

“It really looked bad on the training room. Maybe you need a medical droid” he states as if he was a real medic.

“Fuck you” you reply to him.

“I’ll go and fuck myself after I’m sure you’re alright” he looks unusually calm. He’s determined not to leave until he makes sure you’re fine. As him you tend to have self-destructive habits.

You roll your eyes, tired of his insistence. You turn around and walk towards your room, followed by him.

You lie face down on your bed and Kylo sits next to you, gently lifting your blouse to assess the damage. There is a diagonal line of 4 inches, there is some blood but the lightsaber itself scarred almost everything. Kylo pulls out of the aid kit bacta gel to help the wound finish healing. You flinch, not because of pain, you’re used to it, you don’t mind it anymore, but because of the touch on your skin of another human being.

Kylo and you have never touched like that, sure there is some friction in the fights and trainings, but it’s fed by rage and hatred. This touch is careful, delicate.

You lied. Yes, there was once when Kylo and you have touched like this. It was when you were seventeen, two teenagers. Kylo felt through the Force the beating Snoke gave you for caring for an officer and then felt you in your room crying. Without being sure why, he went to meet you, with the need to offer you some consolation.

You were hidden under your bed, not wanting to anyone see your failure. He laid next to you and held your hand all night without saying a word. The next morning, when your tears were already dry and you woke up, he was no longer by your side. Neither of you ever mentioned anything about what happened that night.

“Sorry I was that hard with you” he let his hand to stay on your body a little more than necessary. When he hit you in the duel and saw your crushed face he felt guilty. There have been countless times when he has hurt you but somehow this one felt different.

“Father says … I mean, Snoke says if we complain we’re weak. We have to use our pain to become stronger” you push your blouse down again and sit in your bed. You feel a pleasure and refreshing sensation in your injury. And Kylo’s touch still lingers in your skin.

You see him putting the gel inside of the aid kit again when something comes to your mind.

“Can I ask you something?” you inquire curious.

“Shoot” Kylo closes the aid kit and sits in bed like you

“Do you have a mom?”

“I …” he’s not sure how to respond. “Yes, I have a mom” he supposes it’s the true.

“I see” after a moment of silence you speak again. “How does it feel?”

“Uh?” Kylo turns to you confused.

“You know, to have a mom?” you try not to laugh at his face. He looks kind of cute when he’s not angry or bitter.

“Don’t you have a mom?” he feels it’s a dumb question. Of course everyone has a mom. He meant to ask what happened to yours.

“No. I mean, I’m sure I have or had, I just never met her” your first memories were Snoke only providing you with your basic needs: roof and food. And you’ve always been too afraid to ask about her. Besides, you’re pretty sure he killed her as soon as you were born.

“So it’s always been just Snoke and you” he states as a fact.

“Well, a few years ago, when I was younger, there was an officer. Her name was Wilhelmina. She was very kind to me, when Snoke’s training left me all beat up and bruised she used to cure my injuries and hug me till I stopped crying. She didn’t have to do it, she put her own life at risk if Snoke found out”. He did find out, but you were able to save her life by offering your pain to your father. You just don’t want to mention it to Kylo because then you’ll have to talk about the unspokable night you spent together.

“What happened to her?” Kylo’s chest hurts imagining a little (Y/N) looking for a maternal figure in a random officer.

“She was transferred to another base and I never saw her again” this part is true. Once you were healed enough you looked for her only to find out she left to a distant base.

“She never look for you?”

“No, why would she? A job is a job, she didn’t have to help me for that period of time but she did”.

“My mom used to comb my hair before sleeping while she told me stories about her and her brother. Or with my dad” he’s not sure why he’s telling you this, maybe he just wants you to know how it feels to have a mom. Nostalgia invades him when he realizes how much he misses her. If he had the chance to be able to do one thing without consequences it would be to look for his mom to lie on her lap and she would comb his hair until he fell asleep.

“What happened to her?” you feel through the Force Kylo’s feelings and you’re intrigued. You wish you could meet the woman that makes him feels like this.

Kylo considers you for a moment and gives you a response before leaving. “She sent me away and I never saw her again”.


	2. Chapter 2

You're the only one who knows about the connection Kylo and Rey share. As soon as the first "Force call" ended Kylo looked for you, the only other Force user he knew, to find out if something similar was happening to you.

"I need to show something" Kylo looked for you one morning in your quarters. His petition seems urgent so you complied him. You spent half a day with him, in his quarters, not doing anything but waiting. It has been the longest time you have spent together without fighting.

"What are we waiting for?" you're lying on Kylo's bed, your head hanging out of it.

"Just wait, I can’t control it" he taps his right leg nervously and cleans the sweat of his palms on his pants.

Just when you were ready to get bored again, you saw her. The scavenger. Like she was really here with you and Kylo.

"Can she see me?" you gasp, unable to tore your gaze away from her. You stand up very slowly, afraid she'll fade away.

"No, we can’t see each other surroundings. Just us" he whispers, avoiding to look at you so Rey wouldn’t notice.

* * *

 

Since that day you and Kylo became inseparable, just to be ready when the Force visions appeared. Trainings transformed into something else, where before there was only a desire to hurt each other now you really train together, no more hasty blows or more injuries. Now Kylo gives you advice like fixing your posture or grabbing your lightsaber in a different way, you can easily see how the two of you are getting better and stronger everyday. The progress that you didn’t achieve in several years is happening in a few weeks.

It's at morning when you just finished your breakfast ready to look for Kylo. The last days you have left the physical training aside to try to create a Force connection similar to the one of Rey and him.

The doors of the elevator you’re waiting for open and Kylo and Rey appear on inside. For a second you thought this was another vision but judging by the look Rey gives you you know she's very real and she's here.

"Where are you taking her?" you try not to sound excited. You must keep the composure at all costs, especially in front of your enemy.

"To Snoke" he steps out of the elevator with her, keeping her close to him so this time she won’t win.

"I'll come with you" you hurry your steps to match them.

"No. This is between me and her".

"I won’t let you take all the glory in front of Snoke" you stop your walk and stand in front of him. If he thinks you're going to let him so easily he's so wrong.

"Daddy's little girl is eager to impress him, huh?" he smirks, his eyes full of malice.

You look away, hurt that Kylo embarrassed you like this in front of Rey. She hasn’t say a single word. A wise decision if she doesn’t want to suffer unnecessary pain. You don’t understand, it's like the Kylo of the past few weeks was fake and the real Kylo resurged again.

"Just make sure she doesn’t escape" you order him, trying to assure your dominance before leaving to help Hux defend the ship.

"If you love her why do you hurt her like that?" Rey suddenly asks, curious about what the Force is telling her.

Kylo only pushes her more to the door so Rey only adds under her breath "I really don’t understand you, Ben".

* * *

 

Once the chaos of the war calms, giving you a breath, you go to look for Kylo, impatient to know what happened to the girl. As you get closer to your father's chambers the familiar smell of burn and blood invades your nostrils, you accelerate your walk more until you’re practically running.

The door is broken, unable to automatically open so you push hard with your arms opening a stretch gap to enter. You put a foot inside of the chamber and you run into the corpse of a Snoke guard. You scatter your eyes and you realize that in fact all of Snoke's guards are dead, there's red everywhere, their clothes and their blood. Then a black lump lies on the floor, Kylo Ren looks like he's passed out. You're thinking if you should at least give him a kick before he wakes up when you raise your eyes looking for Snoke's accusing look when you see his body, or rather the parts of his body. He's dead. Snoke is dead. There is no blood from him so what he cut in half must have been a lightsaber.

"(Y/N)" Kylo growls, disoriented.

You can’t tore your eyes away from your father's body. You were almost sure he was immortal and now his body parts are on the floor like garbage.

"The scavenger. She killed him" Kylo hurries to explain. "I tried to stop her but she ran away".

You're completely mute, you don’t acknowledge Kylo and he's not sure if you heard what he just said.

"We have to go. They'll get away" Kylo dusts off his clothes heading for the door. Seeing that you keep standing in the same place he pulls you by the arm, making you look at him.

"(Y/N) did you hear me? We have to go!" he screams at your face trying to make you react. You only nod with your eyes, round like an owl and follow him.

* * *

 

Kylo is sure that you have never seen yourself so beautiful: fighting against the Resistance, yelling orders, swinging your lightsaber and slashing bodies with it. Rey's word echo in his mind “If you love her why do you hurt her like that?" If he loves you why he keeps pushing you away? What is he so afraid of? But he's in the middle of a battle, probably the most important one of his life. He needs to concentrate on defeat Luke Skywalker.

* * *

 

When the planet has been left alone, the troopes were organized, the wounded were treated and you lie in a new ship of the First Order is when you take the time to reflect on everything that has happened. You're looking at the vast space through your window, it feels like it isn't moving, you're just floating in space, drifting. You hear the slid of the door telling you someone else is with you. You don’t turn to look who is it because you already know it. You feel his presence close to you but you don’t move.

"You killed him" you say with no emotion. Earlier you were in shocked, everything passing too fast. You had to sit and meditate to find the real version about what happened to your dad.

"I'm not gonna deny what you already know it's true. I know I could fool Hux but not you" Kylo was wondering how long it would take you to discover it.

"Did he suffer?"

"Not really, it was very quick" he decides to not lie anymore. There's no point. You could see right through him as he can see you.

"I'm glad" you finally turn to look at him. He furrows his brow, not understanding how can anyone sympathize with Snoke, especially now that he’s dead.

"I've never had any feeling of love or appreciation for him, but he was my father. I wouldn’t have liked him to suffer in his last moments" you clarify him.

"I understand" Kylo remembers when he couldn’t shoot at his mother.

"So I guess this means we'll fight for the position, right?" you cross your arms, leaning on the window glass.

"You guess correct" Kylo agrees with you.

"The war might be over on the galaxy, but a new one has just started between us."

Kylo doesn’t know what else else to add, you just said it all with that statement. The only person he found in this hopeless place and now he has to fight against her. Before you can dig further into his feelings he decides to leave, exhausted of this day.

"I wish you luck because you'll need it" you sound like you're treating him.

* * *

 

You're on a dark empty room. You're not sure how you got here, it was like you just appeared here. Snoke's throne is a few steps away from you. Empty, ready to be occupied by you. You begin walking to it but the floor starts moving like it's made from liquid. A black and viscous liquid. Two deformed but well-known hands start to emerge from a puddle. It’s him. Snoke. He has come to take you with him, he’s going to punish you for not saving his life.

"No" you cry. You want to run but there is nowhere to. "Please, no" you beg for the first time in your life.

You sob in your dreams, feeling like someone is shaking you by your shoulders, bringing you back to reality. You gasp loudly, trying to breathe.

"I didn’t kill him for me. I did it for us. He was sucking our lives to become stronger” Kylo utters in the dark, not wanting to upset you more.

It takes you a moment to settle back in reality, the nightmare left you an awful sensation you try to shake off. "Kylo? Could you... Could you hold my hand like that night?"

There is no Force connection between you like the one Rey and him briefly shared but he can feel when you're having a nightmare, when you're in trouble, when you’re in pain or happy or anxious. That's why he's here. He listens to your request but he doesn’t hold your hand, he does something else instead. He lays next to you and take you between his arms, his body is like a warm cocoon where you can feel safe and protected. You hide your face in his chest, breathing into his shirt.

"Tomorrow everything will change" you remember how you are supposed to be still at war. The night before the ultimate fight and you're here, cradled between your enemy's arms.

"It will" Kylo responds bitterly, hearing your thoughts about how you still feel he's your enemy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Dragon Ball Z a lot when I was a kid so I imagined the fight scene like the fights of the show.

The morning arrives and for the second time, you wake up alone. You wish he had left his shirt so you could wear it and feel close to him. But how would you see yourself wearing the shirt of the man you want to defeat?

Kylo and you agreed that in order to decide who will be the next Supreme Leader you’ll have a single battle. Just the two of you and your lightsabers. No one else can be in the place where the battle will be. The way to win can be by surrender or death. Hux already knows about the agreement and he’ll give legality to the whole thing, not that he’s really happy about it but he can’t do anything.

You take a small ship to arrive at the planet near the bigger ship where you’re going to fight Kylo. When you land, he’s already there, on a vast terrain surrounded by reddish-brown mountains. The weather here is dry and the sun is at its maximum height at this hour.

You left your transport and walk to the land. You stand at a distance of approximately 16 feet from him. There is no exchange of words. You tug your lightsaber and quickly you activate it, launching yourself to the attack, ready to be the only one to leave this planet alive.

There’s something off. You’re throwing hits trying to make him react, but he’s just blocking them, not a single time he has try to come at you. This only makes you angrier and redouble your efforts with your weapon. He stumbles back a little but he regains his equilibrium. Your arms burn from carrying your lightsaber and swinging it, the heat doesn’t help either. You wonder why Kylo hasn’t try anything yet. Maybe he’s trying to get you tired to give you the final hit and defeat you.

Kylo takes advantage of a moment in which you try to recover your energy, he desactivates his lightsaber and throws it away. His breathing is agitated and he doesn’t take his eyes off of you, like a predator watching the movements of his prey.

“Come on, fight me!” you practically roar. Adrenaline pumping your veins. This is the final battle, the decisive one. Who is going to sit on that throne? And who is going to kneel before it?

“I’m done” he looks so defeat, not doing anything to get to you, he just stands there, breathing loudly and looking at you.

“What?” you exclaim in awe.

“I’m done, (Y/N). I’m not doing this” he sounds just like he looks: dead tired.

“What do you mean … what ?!”

“You want the position of Supreme Leader? Fine, take it” Kylo walks away from the battle, physically and emotionally tired. There’s no point on arguing with you when you’re like this. You’re so stubborn, so blind to see it.

“Wait! But you want this … I dont understand” there’s no way that winning will be so simple. “You’re a coward!” you shout on a pathetic attempt to make him mad.

“No! You’re the coward for not wanting to see what’s in front of you. For not wanting to accept what you know you deserve” he takes angry footsteps towards you. You think he’s about to choke you. “I fell in love with you, (Y / N)” he stops just a few inches from you, his voice sounds desperate. He didn’t choke you but what he just admit leaves you breathless anyway.

* * *

You’re the Supreme Leader, Kylo said it himself. You didn’t earn it with honor like you think it should be but whatever. You don’t care. The only thing that matters is you have what you’ve longed all your life. The rest doesn’t matter.

“Get it together, (Y/N)” you say to your image in the mirror. You have Kylo’s last words on repeat: I fell in love with you, I fell in love with you, I fell in love with you.

A dizzines invades you and you hold on to the sink until your knuckles become white. Fuck. You fell in love with him too.

After coming in terms of what you just admit, you take a quick shower, you don’t know what to wear because you’ve never done this dating thing, you haven’t even had a crush in your whole life! You end up choosing your typical black pants and combat boots as well as a tank top in the same color. You leave your hair loose because it’s still wet and brush your teeth, not wanting to have your first kiss with stinky breath.

* * *

You knock on a familiar door, anxiety devouring you from the inside. A part of you is telling you to get the fuck out of here and the other part of you is too terrified to do anything.

“I love you too” you blurt out as soon as the door opens, not checking if it’s him who opened it. But you said it before you think things better and regret it. Without giving him time to react you throw yourself into his arms and he’s ready to catch you. Your mouths seal on frenzy kiss full of tongue and teeth. It’s like when you’re training, fighting for the dominance. Growls and gasps coming out. You feel you’re running out of air but you spend so many years next to him without doing anything that now you’re not letting him go.

You’ll treasure this night forever. You’ll always remember how he started to kiss you and threw you to bed, how did you run your tongue through his body, how did you scratch his back and you heard him scream that for nothing in the universe he wanted it to end. And you got lost in his body like he asked you to.

You want to think everything is wrong, that’s not how this day was supposed to end. But then, why did it feel so good and right when you join your bodies? Why did you understand everything Kylo felt with just a kiss? And you realized you feel the same. Kylo senses your thoughts right away, now that you accept your feelings for each other you’re more in tune.

“Sleep, gorgeous. Tomorrow everything will be different” Kylo assures you in an attempt to ease your worries.

“It will” you kiss him one more time.

You don’t sleep like Kylo told you to. In fact, you spend the whole night awake. You cuddle with him until you feel he’s already sleep, then, careful so he doesn’t wake up, you comb his hair, imitating what he told you about his mom. It seems he likes it because in his sleep he breathes deeply with a faint of a smile on his lips. Then you get out of his arms and you admire his body, moles and scars making an irresistible combination and you realize the boy you saw for the first time on Snoke’s chambers has already grow up so much. And you grew up with him. You pepper kisses like feathers on his biceps, neck and pecks and finally you settle your head on his chest so you can hear his heartbeat. It’s calm and steady. You smile to yourself.

Too soon the dawn arrives illuminating everything in a different way than the night. You stir and pass your hand through your hair, thinking of the words you need to say. You give one more look to your lover and take a mental photograph of him, wishing you’ll never forget this moment.

* * *

Kylo wakes up slowly from a pleasant dream, he can’t remember what he was dreaming about but he knows it was a nice dream because he’s in a good mood. You fell asleep together but you’re not in bed anymore, in your place there’s a white sheet of paper and a single red rose. Weird Kylo thinks. Maybe you were gone to get breakfast and you didn’t want him to worry. He grabs the paper and the flower, chuckling that you thought of giving him a rose. He sits on bed, shakes his head a little trying to focus his sight and reads:

_Kylo,_

_You look so peaceful sleeping I didn’t want to wake you up. What a blessing it would be if all my mornings were like this. I leave this written to you instead of telling you because I hate to see your sad face and more if I am the one that causes that sadness. I know, I’m a coward._

_I don’t want to be Supreme Leader, the whole thing is ridiculous, it’s a cliché that the daughter of the leader takes his place. I want to know me, the real (Y/N), I have the opportunity to do it now and I don’t want to miss it. Maybe I’ll try to find out what happened to my mom. Besides, you deserve it more than me. I’m sure you’ll do a good job. Unlike my father, you are a good leader, just remember to be fair and wise. I don’t know how much time I’ll be gone, and I’m not asking you to wait for me, because it’ll be unfair. But be sure I’ll come back to you._

_\- Love, (Y/N)_

Kylo wrinkles the paper full of impotence. He can’t feel your signature Force anymore. A drop of blood appears on his finger, he pricked himself with a thorn from the rose. He knows that you already chose your path and he has to respect it. He tries to console himself thinking one day you’ll be back, ready to retake things where you left them. Meanwhile, he has a galaxy to rule. He never thought that being Supreme Leader would be so lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me: tumblr.com/bad--bad--man


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This last chapter wrote it itself, it became one of my favorite series and I really enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> Warnings: alcohol use, nightmares, angst, feelings, hate sex, fluffy soft sex

_If they ask for me don’t tell them where I went, may your soul be strong and when you look to the front don’t remember all the things I didn’t give you. May your light shine forever because you deserve it and forgive me if one day I pretended to you were not yourself._

_And if they ask for you I’ll just say I saw you in my dreams one night and I only dream since then, so I can see you everyday next to me._

_There are so many things left for me telling you and you telling me, so many days and passion to live by your side, my love..._

After you leave Kylo’s quarters, you go to your ship, your plan is to sell  it on the nearest planet and buy another one so they can’t track you. You have nothing on you but the clothes you’re wearing, you don’t even take your lightsaber with you. If you’re going to do this journey to discover yourself, you’ll have to do it clean, with nothing from your past holding you back.

When you’re on space you take a last look to the ship where Kylo is probably still sleeping. “Goodbye, my love” you whisper.

* * *

  _2 days later_

"What's this called?" you ask the owner of the food truck with your mouth full of food. You've never tried something so delicious, the flavor of each ingredient exploding in your taste buds.

"Hungry Hutt breakfast sandwich, ma'am" the cooker says as he removes some sausages on the iron.

"It's delicious" you exclaim to yourself as you swallow a big chunk of the breakfast. Foolish as it may sound, you could never eat what you wanted, just as Snoke had your workouts controlled, he had your diet too. But now you’re willing to try all the flavors of the galaxy.

“Can you give me another one to take?” you ask to the man. You think that this  “Hungry Hutt” breakfast sandwich is a good start.

* * *

  _One month later_

"Oh fuck" you curse as another wave of nausea hits you. You're outside at the back of a club emptying everything you drank in the last three hours.

"Fucking twi'lek liquor" you shake your head, your hands on your knees trying to steady yourself. When they told you about this green drink being super intoxicating, you took it as a dare.

Suddenly the crying invades you, you don’t even know why you're crying, you just feel so sick and alone. "Kylo ..." you whine and sob, in your drunkenness you call him, unaware that he’s far away.

* * *

  _Six months later_

"Baby" the man kissing you moans. You're on your ship, in your bed with a guy you picked up in a random bar. He uses too much tongue and you feel your whole face covered in drool, but you're trying, you're really trying.

"You're so hot, baby" the guy named Liam? Larry? Lance? Whatever, the point is his compliments sucks. You feel disgusted, unable to stand his weight on top of you.

"You're not my Kylo" you give up, stirring under him.

"I could be anyone you want, baby" Lane grinds against you and you roll your eyes. Does he not know other words than "baby"? It's been a while since you've used the Force but you're sure if he doesn’t leave soon you're gonna commit murderer.

You grab his face and looking directly in the eyes you say "I'm gonna leave now and I won’t remember you".

"I'm gonna leave now and I won’t remember you" Lenny repeats your words and with a lost look he stand ups and leaves. Finally.

* * *

  _One year later_

You’re on a dark empty room. You’re not sure how you got here, it was like you just appeared here. Snoke’s throne is a few steps away from you. Empty, ready to be occupied by you. You begin walking to it but the floor starts moving like it’s made from liquid. A black viscous liquid. Two deformed but familiar hands start to emerge from the puddle. It’s him. Snoke. He has come to take you with him.

“No” you cry. You want to run but there is nowhere to. “Please, no” you beg. You sob in your dreams, you’ve had this nightmare every night, your mind so used to it you know it’s a dream but you can’t wake up. There’s no one to shake you by your shoulders, to bring you back to reality.

You wake up startled and breathing  loudly, tonight you decided to sleep outside near your ship, it was a warm nice night and you wanted to see the stars. They remind you of a certain person's moles.

Once you’re calmer you realize you have to do something if you want to have a peaceful night's sleep.

"I forgive you, dad" you say to the wind. "I know you never loved me but it wasn’t me the problem, it was you with your rotten heart. And I'm gonna my life the way I want it. I'm letting you go, dad" you finish and sigh deeply. When you started this journey you promised yourself nothing would hold you back. Specially your past.

You lay again on your sleeping bag and you feel how sleep embrace you. It's the first time you sleep with no dreams.

* * *

  _Two years later_

“Holy shit, (Y/N)” the guy named Ziro looks at you in awe. “You really wrecked up this guy”.

“Are you some kind of super human?” the other guy named Cad asks. Somehow you ended up making team with these two and now you’re the best group of bounty hunters. Everyone wants to hire your services. Of course no ones know who you really are or that sometimes you use the Force to capture your targets.

"Easy piece" you shrug, not even sweating a drop. "Let’s go to collect our reward".

It's not that you need the money, but the thrill of a dangerous life and the opportunity to use your skills excites you. Besides these two guys are good company.

"I'm telling you, she must be some kind of superhuman" Cad repeats his opinion to Ziro, who's already securing the guy.

* * *

  _Three years later_

“Are you Nara Riencam?” you ask to an old lady who opened the door. You’re on the planet of Iridonia, after some investigation and contacts you did as a bounty hunter you think you had localized your mother.

“Yes?” her voice sounds weak. She has complete white hair and her eyes look tired.

“I’m Snoke’s daughter” you say scared, you don’t even know what happened between your parents or how you were born. Maybe she’ll hate you.

She gasps taking her hand to her mouth. Her eyes open in shocked and she starts sobbing. “Come on in, please” she guides you welcoming to her home.

“What’s your name?” she starts her interrogation when you’re sitting on the living room. “I’m sorry, it’s just I only had you for a few hours when you were born before that monster took you away from me. He tricked me making me believe he was a good man” more tears flood her face.

“I’m (Y/N). And Snoke is dead” dark forcer user (Y/N) is shaking like a little mouse in front of her mother.

“My daughter” Nara exclaims in awe, offering her arms to you.

You accept her embrace, leaning your head against her chest. She’s a small woman but you feel protected by her. “Mom…” you let out on a whisper.

* * *

_Five years later_

“Look what I found” your mom is holding something in her hand. She’s in bed getting some rest. Two years ago she offered you to live with her and you glady accepted, then a year later you found out she had a terminal disease. You thought it wasn’t fair, you’ve just found her and now the Force is taking her away. But she told you not to give up, now more than ever it was time to enjoy your time together.

You put a tray with some medicines on a little table next to the bed and sit with her. “What is it?”

“It’s a picture of me when I was younger” she offers you the photo so you can look at it.

“Woah mom, you were gorgeous! I mean you still are but look at you” you exclaim as you observe your mom’s young face.

“You look so much like me” she says proud and grabs your face.

“I’m glad” you take her hand. 

* * *

Two weeks later your mom passed away, her body finally getting the rest it needed. You were cuddling with her when she gave her last breath. You're glad you were there on her last moments.

After a simple ceremony with few of your mom's friends you told the cemetery attendants that you’ll be transferring credits so they take care of her grave. Then you went to her house and packed and donate most of her things. You just kept the photo of her.

Once again you’re alone and you realize your trip has come to an end. You did what you want, ate and drank what you feel like, you forgave your father and met your mom. It's time to go back to the First Order to something you left unfinished.

* * *

 You’re just fresh out of the shower deciding what to wear. You feel like five years ago before you went to Kylo’s quarters. You choose a short black dress with thin straps and do your hair in half up pony tail.

The system of your ship alarms you that you’ve arrived to your destination, the First Order security already asking you to identify yourself through the comm-link.

“I’m (Y/N). I need authorization to land my ship” you tell them hoping they still remember you and you have no problems.

After a moment of silence on the other side of the line you just hear “Authorization granted. You may land”.

So far so good. You wouldn’t mind knocking out some stormtroopers, just to see how is your condition but not having problems to enter is a good thing too.

* * *

 "Where's Kylo Ren?" you ask to the squad of stormtroopers who came out to receive you. They look at each other, confused about who you are and what you're doing here. You suppose five years is a long time.

"Nevermind. I'll find him myself " you walk out with so much confidence that you leave them struck, not moving from their place.

Everything looks the same, pristine as usual, it seems that time hasn’t passed through here. You close your eyes for a moment in order to concentrate. "Alright, Force, don’t fail me". You let your power wonders through all the spaces of this ship and suddenly you feel a familiar Force signature. A very known signature that has your knees already buckling. "Kylo ..." you whisper like you did so many times when you were on your trip.

Some employees and stormtroopers try to stop you as you walk through the ship, but with a wave of your hand you just throw them through the air or simply knock them out. "Amateurs" you roll your eyes exasperated.

* * *

 

 "Supreme Leader, it's vital to plan an expedition to the Outer Rim to reinforce our power" Hux is standing in front of the throne, trying to make Kylo understand the importance of this mission.

"Can’t you send a squad?" Kylo inquires annoyed.

"I don’t think it’ll be prudent, Supreme Leader, you see ..." Hux's speech abruptly stops and his body is floating on the air.

"Zip it, Hux" you say lifting him with the Force and letting him fail without warning. You snicker remembering old times.

Kylo quickly gets up from his seat, his eyes trembling with anger because someone dared to break into his chambers like this. His hand already looking for his lightsaber.

You come closer to the throne and stay still, waiting for Kylo to recognize you.

"(Y/N)?" Kylo mumbles your name, his eyes opened in surprise. Your hair is longer, you’re tanned and your cheeks are chubbier.

"In person, baby" you smirk.

The room is full of guards, counselors and some employees but Kylo doesn’t think twice and takes you into his arms. He kisses you with a passion he has kept for five years, his hands roaming all over you body, tugging your hair, squeezing your ass, caressing your waist.

"Everybody out!" Kylo roars and his orders are obeyed without a joke. His gaze is full of pure wild lust.

Without stopping the kiss, he takes some steps back, taking you to the throne with him, then he puts you facing it, with your arms on the seat and your ass on the air.

He lifts your dress up to your waist and roll your underwear down to your calves. You hear him spit on his hand and he rubs your clit to make you wet.

You moan arching your back, fuck, you missed his touch. "I'm gonna fuck you so good you won’t want to leave again" he threatens you and you want him to fulfill his threat.

He lowers his pants a little, his dick twitching longing for your pussy. He grabs you by the hips with both hands and thrusts roughly inside of you.

"Motherfu ..." you whine but he doesn’t let you finish the sentence because he pounds you against the throne.

"Motherfucker what? Uh?" his voice sounds ragged. "Do you think I'll forget? The way you left me".

"Fuck me harder" you whimper and he takes you by the waist arching your back more until you're standing up on your tiptoes at the mercy of his powerful thrusts.

You grab his neck with your left hand and with your other hand you rub your clit in fast circles. You have Kylo's groans literally in your ear and your insides clench as you come. Kylo crashes his hips against yours three more times and let his cock shoot straight to your womb.

"We need to talk" he says as he's still inside of you.

* * *

 "I can’t believe you left my quarters untouched" you roam around the room, everything is the same as you left it. Even your lightsaber is here.

"I couldn’t change them" Kylo shrugs, leaning against a wall. You're sitting on your bed and he's watching closely.

"It feels weird" you stretch your legs and stir a little.

"How was your trip? Did you find what you were looking for?" Kylo asks with a hurt tone. You sense through the Force his jealously, the idiot thinks you used this time to fuck everyone you could. If he only knew that the furthest you came was to kiss someone else and you didn’t even like it.

"I found my mom" that's a good start for this awkward conversation.

"You found her?" jealously dissappears as he’s geninuely curious and walks to sit next to you.

"Kylo, you should have meet her! She was gorgeous and so kind!" you begin to tell him your adventures. 

* * *

 "Have you come to stay?" Kylo isn’t sure he wants to know your answer.

"Do you want me to stay?" you grab his hand.

"You already know the answer to that".

"Then you already know my answer too" you grip his hand more. He smiles softly and takes your face so he can kiss you. You answer to the kiss and without breaking apart you both lay in bed.

"May I take your dress off?" he asks for permission, he's acting so different than he did at his chambers. You nod and he takes it off carefully, like you were a fragile doll. "These ones too?" he grabs the hem of your panties and you nod again.

"Can I undress you?" now it's your turn to ask for permission.

"Yeah, come here" Kylo takes you by the hand, both of you are kneeling on bed. You start taking his shirt off, all the beauty marks and scars you remember are still there and you take your time kissing each one. Then it's the turn to his pants, you put them down at the same time with his underwear, the two of you are completely naked, totally exposed to each other.

"I love you, (Y/N)" Kylo grabs your chin and pulls you into a kiss. You sigh in his mouth and hugging him by the neck you make the both of you lay again in bed.

Careful not to crush you, Kylo puts little kisses along your jaw and neck. You grind against him and you feel his hot and hard cock against your pussy.

"It's still here" he whispers near to the right side of your chest.

You look down to see what he's talking about. "You have scar in the shape of a half moon" he points and you grin because you've never noticed before.

His mouth engulfs your whole nipple and he bites it lightly, then he turns his attention to your other bud. You hold his head and let the pleasure go straight to your core.

Still sucking your breasts, you take Kylo's hand and put it close to your clit, he gets your hint and very lightly he starts rubbing it. "I miss this little pearl" he moans and he traces the goosebumps that form around your nipples with his tongue.

With your eyes closed you search for his cock in the darkness and you found it already wet of precum. "There has been nobody but you" you confess him. "There will be nobody but you" he promises you.

"I think you're ready" he says and you agree with him, you can feel your wetness running down your thighs. He gets up and puts your legs around his waist, you can’t see much around you but you can feel your lover.

Very slowly Kylo thrusts inside of you, letting you feel every vein and bump of his cock. You arch your back, it's been so long you've been like this but your pussy seems to remember him.

Once he's fully inside, he lets himself fall on top of you and grinds his hips. "(Y/N)" he pants, calling for you, for your love. "I'm here, I'm right here" you sob and cling harder to him.

Kylo's movements stops for a moment when he hears you crying. "Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" he's worried he hurt you.

"Now more than ever I need you to keep going. I need you to have no mercy on me like in our trainings" you plead him. You need him to understand that you're crying because you heart is finally healed.

Kylo complies you and his thrusts start again, you tug him by the hair and you whisper into his ear "I missed your body, your lips. I missed your Force. I missed you" you open your mind so he can see all those times when you long for his presence.

Kylo only pants harder and grabbing you by the hips he rolls your over so you're on top and he's laying on his back.

You ride him with your hands on his chest, you groan, determined to make him yours once and for all. You hear he's whimpering, this has to be the saddest fuck two people ever had you think, both of you crying.

You crouch and lick his tears, you want to drink all of him, taste him all. Kylo slides one hand between your bodies looking for the button that will make you explode.

"Kylo" you moan high.

"Do you feel it too?" his groans are equal to yours. "Come with me".

And you do, you feel a knot in your stomach tightening and then exploding into thousand of pieces. There's a bridge between Kylo and you thanks to the Force, you're sharing your orgasms, you don’t know where your pleasure begins and where his ends. You could swear you're floating on space, traveling on a shooting star.

You don’t realize you're crying again until you hear Kylo consoling you. "Shhh, I'm here, my love. It's okay, you did so well" he pets your arm trying to bring you down from your intense orgasm.

"Hold me, please" you cry more.

* * *

"Aren’t you going to sleep?" you ask with your eyes closed, feeling Kylo's gaze on you.

"The last time I did it I woke up alone" Kylo claims you and brushes your cheek with his thumb.

"This time I won’t leave" you assure him opening your eyes. You can see a spark of doubt on Kylo's face. "I wouldn’t promise something that I won’t fulfill. I won’t leave".

"Do you have something in mind now that you're back?" he wonders. He knows you well and he knows you can’t stay calm.

"I could be your sex slave" you joke.

"Tempting offer but you wouldn’t settle for it" Kylo chuckles and gives you a chaste kiss.

"The Supreme Leader position is already occupied" you try to mess with him.

"It isn’t. I only took care of it for you these years".

"Being Supreme Leader is what you've always dreamed of" you don’t believe what he said.

"What I dream of is having you by my side. As long as I have that, the rest doesn’t matter" Kylo snuggles his nose against yours.

"I love you" you tell him closing your eyes once again. 

* * *

Every important person of the First Order is here in this enormous room. Admirals, generals, captains, influential people, they're all here to witness the most important day of your life. You’re on a black elegant gown, the cleavage is strapless and the skirt is voluminous. Your hair is up on an elaborated bun and you’re wearing red matte lipstick. You walk through the large hall, with your eyes held high, at the end of it Kylo is waiting for you.

He acknowledges your presence with a subtle nod and move aside to let you pass. You sit in the simple but elegant throne, all eyes fixed on you, but you don’t let yourself be intimidated.

"All bow to our Supreme Leader, (Y/N) Riencam" Kylo exclaims solemnly as he kneels in front of you. The others follow his example and show their respect. From here you can see the whole universe, you finally achieved what you fought so much your whole life, satisfied that you did it your way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me: tumblr.com/bad--bad--man


End file.
